


Forgiveness

by integral_love



Series: Live again [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-12
Updated: 2010-10-12
Packaged: 2017-10-12 15:08:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/126223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/integral_love/pseuds/integral_love
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ruby meets someone unexpected in her afterlife and they have a little talk about life, sacrifices and love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forgiveness

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own anything but the thing that might become a plot if I continue to write this.
> 
> It is my first try at fanfiction and english is not my first language so please comment to make sure I get better at this.  
> I hope you have fun though, so enjoy.

She slowly opened her eyes, blinking away the darkness. Taking in her new surroundings, green hills, grey sky and the soft sound of waves. She wondered what had happened. Of course, she had died. "So there is an afterlife for me", she mused. Walking around for some time she found a place close to a cliff where she could watch the stormy ocean clash with the shore. Strangely she did not feel the wind or the cold. Everything seemed comfortably numb, relaxing. Sitting down she let her mind wander.

 _I'm searching for answers  
not given for free  
They're hidden inside, is there life within me?_

Two boys, Sam and Dean, Lucifer... short sequences flashed before her eyes and she let them take her away into a world of memories. Realizing what had happened, what she had done, she closed her eyes in pain. She should have known better. She shouldn't have let any of this happen. She never meant for the events to turn out the way they did but somehow in between getting too close to Sam and trying to teach him she had lost control.

 _I'm dreaming in colors  
Of getting the chance_

A demon had sought her out, one whose wish she had not been able to deny. Azazel had appeared to her when she had been alone. A demon everyone had thought dead. He had given her a choice. Make sure Sam becomes stronger and frees Lucifer or see Sam being consumed by his powers. Azazel had told her he could control Sams' powers through his blood, that he would make sure the boy would kill Dean and Bobby. He would loose all that was left of his family if she did not obey. Naturally she never knew if he could do it but the risc was too high. Trying to say no had been a risc that came with a price she had not been willing to pay.  
So she did what she was told to do. She had made sure Sam would get hurt in order to spare him more pain. It hadn't been fair to the boy but she assumed that after all those years in hell and on earth she knew humans well enough to know that he would get over it. Enough to move on at least, enough to sort out the mess the world had to end in whether they had helped to start it or not.

 _Why does it rain, rain, rain down on Utopia?  
Why does it have to kill the ideal of who we are?_

Taking a deep breath she let a single tear roll down her cheeks. She had knwon the moment Sam got too close to her, her end would be inevitable. She would die. She had left her knive with Dean anyway. It would be easier for all of them when she was gone. And in a way she guessed it was. Is, really.

 _I'm dreaming in colors, no boundaries are there  
I'm dreaming the dream, we all seem to share_

Her own reaction to Lucifers’ rising had been happieness. Not because the Apocallypse would start, she couldn't have cared less about that and not because had been Sam stronger than before. No she had been happy that this was the end. Her end. She had done the deed, Sam would be safe for a while, Azazel would leave him alone and maybe, just maybe with the help of Dean, Sam could safe the world and possibly become happy again.  
If they had known it would have been a desaster. Sam would have blamed himself, Dean would have gotten angry. The boys really were a handful. They would have gone after Azazel again. And this time they would have gotten themself killed. Killed without any chance of ressurection. With her dead there was nothing that could link Azazel to the events, nothing that would make the boys get into anymore trouble than they were already in.

 _You're holding my hand but you don't understand  
So where I am going, you won't be in the end_

Certainly they had their little guardian. She wonders whether he was still around. Probably. the angel had seemed devoted to Dean even after the short amount of time he had been around the hunter. Not that she could blame him, something seemed to draw the more emotional supernatural beings to the Winchesters. No not the more emotional ones, the weird ones, the outcasts and the underdogs. Probably because the boys were underdogs themself and despite everything that had happened to them they had carried on, they had fought, they had wanted everything to be better.

 _Why does it rain, rain, rain down on Utopia?  
And when the lights die down, telling us who we are?_

With a sight she lets herself fall on her back and wonders how it is that a world with a god can be so unfair. They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions and somehow she thinks there is more truth to it than anyone would think. She has seen it herself, been a part of it. Lucifer being the first, wanting to safe God from a painful experience with humans and going too far, doing the wrong things in the eyes of his father. Of course he might have been jealous but nobody had ever given him the benefit of the doubt. He fell, possibly trying to save the very being that banned him. There was her becoming a witch to help her son and her sister survive the pest, giving up her soul in the process. And she fell. Hard. Down in the pit the same way Lucifer had fallen. Both of them wanted to safe, both of them seen as demons. But they had still kept their memories and emotions. Not that she liked Lucifer but thinking about all this and how Sams good intentions would go to waste the moment he died because of the demon blood in him, she couldn't help but sympathise and marvel at the irony of it all.

 _I hang my coat up in the first bar  
There is no peace that I've found so far_

Gliding in a dream-like state with all her memories, dreams and musings keeping her occupied she failed to notice soft footsteps. Only when she heard a man wondering how it was possible that dead angels and demons went to the same place she opened her eyes again and looked up to a short man, angel really, who was obviously wearing his last vessel the same way she did with hers.

 _I'm looking at you through the glass  
Don't know how much time has passed_

She shrank back a bit, scared of the angel. After all, what did he want? Why did he bother? Most angels, even the fallen ones thought themself above demons. "I know who you are, what you did, possibly even why" he said. Detecting no trace of anger or bitterness in his voice she relaxed a bit and looked up to see a strange mix of sadness, pain and even longing in his eyes. Emotions that did not seem to get along with the lines on his face which spoke of laughter, emotions that did not get along with what he was. "I'm Gabriel. Though some may know me as the Trickster or Loki. I guess you could say we died a similar death." He answered her unasked questions. She realized that he might really want to talk and was trying to creat a lighter atmosphere. One that would make it easier for them to have the heavy talk the angel seemed to get at. "An archangel. A dead archangel. How come you think our deaths were similar. I met some of your brothers. They thought me below them. So what is it that you did?" Suprised at her own interest she decided to let her mistrust towards the angel go. What did she have to loose anyway. "So many questions, huh?" The answer came accompanied by a smile.

 _How do you feel? That is the question  
But I forget you don't expect an easy answer_

Silence followed in which the smile turned bitter until a sigh escaped the mouth of the angel. "I tried to stay away from all the fighting, they were my brothers after all. And like Dean and Sam I did not wish to fight my brothers. So I went into hiding. But after meeting the boys and annoying little Cassie I had to choose. Heaven or hell. But still I did not chose either. I choose humanity." With a far-off look on his face the angels voice faded.

 _When something like a soul becomes initialized  
And folded up like paper dolls and little notes  
You can't expect a bit of hope_

Being suprised by the emotions that were displayed in his face, by the pain and longing she could see again, she had to ask how he had died. His answer was relucant "I had to save Sam and Dean, go in a hotel, get them and Kali out of there and at least make a stand against my brother. I knew I would die", he said after a small pause, "But I did it anyway hoping that they would make it. I did not fight my brother though. Not seriously and I believe a part of him knew, but it doesn't matter. I got them out and not one of them will ever know the sacrifice I have made. They won't think about it, they will probably blame me for dying or something like that but I can manage as long as there is still hope that they will make it." He said all this looking up to the sky. She pondered what he had said, realizing that the angel had been forced to act against his wishes and had run into his own certain death just the way she had done. One stray thing had caught her attention away from the topic though.

 _How much is real?  
So much to question_

"Who is Kali?" The words left her mouth before she could stop them. It did not seem important at first but why would he mention her, why would an archangel who died for humanity mention someone with the name of a goddess? It did not make any sense as long as she was not important.  
The only indication that he had heard her was the small smile that began to grace his features. Not the overly happy smile he had thrown at her in the beginning, not the bitter smile she had seen after that, no it was a soft smile, a fond smile donned by someone remembering a better time, a lost love. She was proven right with her assumptions when he answered "We had a thing, she and I. It was good and maybe it could have lasted. Call me sentimental but it was long since over when all of this happened. Still I think I might have loved her. A strange feeling for an angel but one could say that I have never been among the normal ones. She was no mere woman you know. A goddess. Kali - the destroyer some called her. Rarely happy, hard to entertain, seldom cruel but never unjust." He was quiet for a moment but then continued though she thought that she probably did not want to hear this as much as she had thought before. If only because he gave her insight on herself as much as gave up on himself. "For me she was a bit like Sam was for you. Everything I wanted, everything I knew I would ruin if I ever told her who I was. Yet I wanted to tell her. But I never did. That knowledge had the potency to not only turn her against me but to turn demons and angels alike against her. Nothing I could allow. Then in the end she was the last straw to my suicide. Without her I might have just taken the boys to safety but with her there I did not only have to step in and stop Luci but I had to make sure he did not follow them."

 _Before you tell yourself  
It's just a different scene  
Remember it's just different from what you've seen_

Silence fell over them after this admission. He was an angel and he was certainly not supposed to feel this way, especially over a pagan-goddess. Her thoughts strayed to the similarities and differences between the two of them till she decided to drop the subject and just watch the ocean for a while. It was too much and he deserved his death far less than any other being.

 _Now I know is that it feels like forever  
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home  
Sitting all alone inside your head_

Then suddenly he was looking at her "Would you do it again, all of it, exactly the same way?" She was contemplating this question, thinking about all the times she had been blaming herself for past and present events, wondering if she could have stopped them had she had more courage, had she been stronger.  
"Yes, I would do it again. The same way. Maybe I could have changed some things, maybe not. But it is not for me to know or see. And as long as there is a chance for a good ending, as long as I know there was something good I believe that what I did can not have been entirely wrong. What about you?"

 _I'm miles from where you are,  
I lay down on the cold ground_

Laughing a geniue laugh which suprised her Gabriel answered "You sure are an interesting creature. Strange but interesting. I know what you mean though. I myself often wonder whether I could have stopped this madness if I had stayed in heaven. But I'm not as self-centered as some of my brothers, or as blindly believing as most of them are. I do not think anything would have changed. And even if there was a chance something might change, what good would it do? I do believe father would have told me if I had been wrong in leaving. I did not fall after all. So yes I think I would do it all again, though maybe I would leave out the dying part. Wasn't nice at all. And I'm pretty sure there was a way around it. Hurt him too, you know?" He took out a candy-bar after his little speech. Chuckling she accused him of calling her the strange one.

 _And it's the stars  
The stars that shine for you  
And it's the stars_  
The stars that lie to you, yeah ah

They were quiet then, both looking somewhere, beginning to feel the strange world. But again it was Gabriel who broke the silence "You know you are forgiven for your sins..." he was trailing off, looking startled for a moment. Her answer came prompt, her sarcastic nature shining through "So now a finger-snip of the legendary Trickster can make sure your sins are forgiven? You should have made rounds at the hell-gate. Ever wondered how many souls you could have saved that way?"  
To her astounishment he didn't seem to mind, his answer good-humoured "Well it wasn't my place to forgive though I would have. It was Dads. And I think he did forgive you long ago. I get a feeling that Sam would as well, if he knew."  
After some minutes of silence in which Gabriel seemed to concentrate on something she couldn't quite grasp he started to talk to her again "Looks like I get to go back to the playground. Rocking the world, playing Sherif and all that. By the way you will go back as well. Not now, I don't know when but you will. This world is in between it all. It was interesting meeting you."  
And with that and a snip of his fingers he was gone. She wanted to ask what he had meant with that, how he knew, if he had talked to his father but he had been too fast, leaving only a lone ashen feather flying in the wind.  
For what felt like the hundreth time she closed her eyes but this time she felt the wind. She didn't feel numb but nearly alive. It was fascinating.  
Maybe Gabriel really had talked to his father and maybe she should try as well. He might not be her favorite person right now but this angel gave her a reason to believe that heavenly goodness might just exist. So she prayed the last prayer she could remember from her human days. The prayer, everything, seemed to fade. Time had stopped existing the moment she had opened her eyes to this world but now even the world seemed to mean nothing and the sound of the waves let her fall into a trance-like state.

 _I pray that something picks me up  
And sets me down in your warm arms  
Until exhausted, close our eyelids  
And dreaming, pick up from  
The last place we left off_

When she woke up she could hear voices. She did not wish to open her eyes out of fear of this being a dream so she decided to listen for a while. The voices were talking softly, sounding maybe a bit tired. She recognised the two main-voices after only a short period of time. Sam and Dean. The voice of the third man seemed familiar, though she could not place it until the voice asked if anyone wanted candies. She should have guessed it but still was somehow suprised when she realized that it was Gabriel who was hanging around. The last voice which had only spoken a few times belonged to a woman. She did not know who the woman was but the authority, as well as the somehow gentle yet strong tone it held while scolding the angel for asking such a stupid question suggested that this woman had to be close to the angel. Another person entered the room, a voice she did recognise asking whether anything had come up. So Bobby was aroud as well. Big parade. When all voices resumed to talking about non-important stuff she decided that she had to risc waking up. She slowly opened her eyes. Sam and Dean were sitting close by with their backs to her. Sitting on a couch was Bobby, while Castiel was leaning on a wall at the right side of Dean, ready to protect and entirely silent but not uninterested. And Gabriel louging comfortable in a chair on the left side of a window, letting the sun shine on his face though his immediate attention was focused on a dark-skinned woman who stood regal at said window. Kali she presumed, for she was the woman the voice had belonged to and she did hold a power which seemed strong enough to kill with a simple look. Yet the womans look seemed to soften every time it fell upon the lazing arch-angel.  
It seems that she got lucky. This felt like it was real, looked like it was real, probably was real. She was back and kicking... more or less. And in her old vessel, the dark haired one. What had happened obviously wasn't a dream. And someone, Gabriel she guessed had told the boys. Why else would they let her live, why else did the other angel let her be if not for the fact that Gabriel told them. Seeing that the people in the room had yet to notice that she was awake she tried to move, something that got the attention of everyone. They all moved and while Gabriel only winked at her as though he knew she had been awake for some time and while Kali only nodded her head in her direction most of the others moved towards her. Dean smirked down at her, Bobby got a glass of water and even Castiel smiled a little. But it was all drowned out the moment Sam was within reach "Ruby..."

 _Your words in my memory  
Are like music to me  
Your soft skin is weeping  
A joy you can't keep in_


End file.
